I’m pensive to a fault, as some of my closest friends will attest as they roll their eyes and settle in for a soliloquy. So it only goes to reason that the Fourth of July would make me contemplate my own independence.
For me, Fourth of July conjours up images of fireworks over familiar Independence Hall in Philadelphia. I grew up in the cradle of the nation knowing our national landmarks like the back of my hand. After all, the Liberty Bell is across the street from The Bourse, and you can get great water ice right near Betsy Ross’ house. You know, the chick who made the flag.
But when I go a little deeper — which means a few fathoms past the movie starring Will Smith, but buoying right along side Martina McBride — I realize that independence, whether in the form of national or personal freedom and rights, all has to do with one thing with many faces. Empowerment.
With all due respect to our great nation, my personal Independence Day is not July 4th. Is yours? It’s not even July 2, the day that this year passed without recognition, until now. It was and is the day on which my divorce was final, three long years ago. Anyone divorced knows that you are single much longer than you are divorced, and rarely does the day a divorce is legal have the most impact or meaning. My day of reckoning was not even October 6, 2002, the day I told then-husband that he’d be leaving. Hell, the marriage was over long before that day, he would just never admit it that chickenshit. Nor would I, until then.
But true empowerment? Full-blown independence? All days pale in comparison to December 20th, 2002.
The day I realized my true independence came on the day I voted myself least likely to succeed. It was the day when my kids went to “their dad’s house” for the first time. It was winter break, so they went for six days. And yes, the dogs went too.
I wasn’t quite sure what I was going to do without the kids. After all, I hadn’t been without kids in eleven years. I hadn’t had a break for more than perhaps a couple of hours - ever. And now I was getting six days to myself. No kids, no job, no responsibilities. At the time it was daunting. It scared the hell out of me. I was not a happy camper.
And then they left.
And I was free.
Free to stay up late and sleep in, to watch a movie, to read a book, to eat sushi, to drink wine, to shop, to travel, to sulk, to dance. To think. To date.
To breathe.
And I was fine. More than fine actually. I spoke to them daily and wouldn’t have skipped a phone call. Truth be told, I didn’t even miss them that much which probably then and forevermore took me out of the running for Mother of the Year. The week that I thought would be treacherous and sad was illuminating and rejuvenating. And a relief. They were with their dad. I had grabbed the golden ring of traditional divorce. When your kids aren’t with you, they are still with a parent. To be honest, it’s quite lovely.
This was the first time I felt completely empowered and undeniably independent. I’d never had it before. I lived at home with my parents through college and until the day I got married, just 33 days after my 26th birthday. Yep, just like in the 50’s.
So I realized that day that independence has nothing to do with love - or with loneliness. It has to do with being ok, all on your own, and being conscious of it and accountable for it. Even if you’re surrounded by people who love you — a spouse, friends, family — but most especially if you’re not, it means standing on your own two feet whether or not everyone agrees or understands. It means not just surviving, but thriving.
A woman. A nation. Same concept.
Independence is also just that much sweeter when your ex-husband has a kidney stone the second night he has the kids. And you have a date.
I said I was a thinker, not a saint.
July 5th, 2006I think that is an amazing way to look at independence, however it made me think of how you must feel now that you no longer have the other parent to depend on (since I have been reading for a while, I know you have touched on this). In all the craziness, you are still amazing and your kids so reflect that, even when looking up hot french chics
July 6th, 2006This was the best independence day post I’ve read. I don’t think you’re less of a mother to enjoy some time alone. I would love a couple days to myself.
July 6th, 2006Chelle: Yep I didn’t even want to go to how I feel about my independence in the here and now. That’s a post of a different color!
MOTR: I’m glad you liked the post..I’m actually planning a weekend getaway with a girlfriend later this month!
July 6th, 2006Yeah. A total getaway - that’s really the only break. And I have to say that when I was away in April - I was perfectly fine. That’s what being around kids 24-7 will do, right?
July 6th, 2006I loved the kicker!
July 6th, 2006Hey Kvetch…I got here from Just Another Day, first visit here. Loved your post. I am happily married, and I must confess that there is a tiny evil part of me that is jealous of my divorced friends because of the freedom that you mention. Nice to have that alone time, to do just exactly what you want, and nothing else.
I’ll be back. Love your writing.
July 6th, 2006This post made me think of two things.
First, did I ever really get my independence day after my separation and divorce? I’m not sure.
Second, next friday I’ll get my first night away from my daughter. An evening celebrating my sister’s 30th birthday. I hope I can enjoy it half as much as you enjoyed your time as a single mom. I loved your post about that first date. Wonderful, as always.
July 6th, 2006I have never lived alone. I’ve never been alone longer than the times my kids were both on overnights at friends’ houses, and to be honest, I usually had some nookie lined up for those times(yes, Mommies need nookie too!), so even my ‘alone’ times were rarely alone.
Sadly, my ex was too big of an idiot to ever take the kids overnight. First off, when he left? He moved 400 miles away, which does not make traveling back and forth easy.
Second, the first time he came to see the kids (months and months after he’d left) he took them to the store and the arcade and when he rolled back up in my driveway, he had an open beer riding between his legs(they were still in the car with him).
He’s never seen them alone again.
Now I’m married again (don’t worry, this one is MUCH better) and have a new kiddo.
So, my kids are 16, 19 and …3. Sometimes I do think,’ Good God woman, you were almost done. In a few years you could have bought an RV and spent the rest of your life traveling!’.
But mostly, I’m happier than I’ve ever been, and can’t imagine how dull life would be without the two newest additions to it.
Aaand, I just realized I have hijacked your blog. Sorry about that!
July 6th, 2006What a great independence day post. I ate up every word.
Oh and I love that you are a thinker…but not a saint.
July 6th, 2006
July 6th, 2006Like a previous commenter, I’ve never lived alone. I’ve had roommates and husbands, and in between husbands I went back home to live with my parents, which was wonderful at the time and exactly what I needed. But this post captured so well that incomparable feeling of having the house all to yourself. And I read your first date post, too - loved “The Committee.” I’ve always felt that most of my life has been carried on in front of a very chatty committee of judges.
July 6th, 2006Remember the saints are not as fun according to Billy Joel. I concur.
This is wonderful. When you hear that things happens for a reason, this kind of post makes me feel that way. Good from the bad.
July 6th, 2006This was perfect.
I sought just the right way to blog about independence this past fourth… but couldn’t… and so, haven’t blogged since. But then - I didn’t need to - because you’ve done it instead.
Poignant, funny, perfect. Thank you for this!
July 6th, 2006That was wonderful to read. The way you write so honestly impresses me at every turn. I heart Kvetch!
July 7th, 2006What a wonderful independence day post.
I lived alone for a long time before I got married (moved out to go to university at 18 and never really lived back at home with my parents for more then a few months). Lived with a fiance for a few years, but before I met my (now) husband I had lived alone for a while.
It’s a huge transition, and, I have to say, even though I like having company, and I love my son to death, sometimes it’s still difficult not having that time.
Glad you found your independence. Savour it, it’s sweet.