Yesterday I went light-fixture shopping with the only other divorced Jewish woman in Mayberry. She and I were fast and furious close friends a few years ago after realizing we both dated the same man. Lucky for us, but not for him.
Our lives are similar in the sense that our kids are the same ages and neither of us have husbands, but once did. She is always in a relationship, her kids have a dad and she works in banking. I’m not, mine don’t and I can’t balance a checkbook. But, despite our laundry list of differences we have become the Kate to the other’s Allie, and can synchronize the other’s world where she lacks. The fact that we crack each other up doesn’t hurt either. And I know that although our worlds collide only slightly, that she does understand my situation and has reminded me often to be my best self.
So it only stands to reason that when we went shopping, as we’ve done in the past for things like Bar Mitzvah outfits for our sons’ Bar Mitzvahs, we’d be in sync. I kept her daughter out of her hair occupied while she browsed and spoke to the sales person about the flexible track lights, eyeball can-lights, rocking dimmer switches and bathroom, kitchen and bedroom fixtures and ceiling fans for their new home. I offered my opinion when asked, and some times when not. I extolled her good taste, and stoked her when she waivered. Bottom line, it is her house, not mine, and the decisions, as well as the money, are hers and hers alone.
As we left Lights R Us a mere 90 minutes later, she was done, and I’d decided that in lieu of remodeling I can’t afford, that I’d change some lighting in my home as well.
“That was easy,” she said.
We high-fived and did the secret single-mom victory dance.
“Great choices”, I said, reassuring her and wiping her brow because she spent a large amount of money in a short amount of time. I had a paper bag at the ready in case she started hyperventilating. Instead of fainting, we opted for a quick salad.
Then we both remembered one of things we like about being single.
It’s about decisions. As hard as it can be, they are ours and ours alone. And sometimes that is really fun!
Parenting issues and tribulations traversed on my own leave me angry. When I see happy couples I feel a deep-seeded physical ache. When I am removing and replacing screens and changing furnace filters I curse my ex-husband. BUT, when I plan a family vacation where I want to go, buy new bed linens, hire a painter and decorate my bathroom pink and green, well, I do a peacock strut. And yes, although men in my life have slept well under roses, I would redecorate if I ever marry Mr. Rightstein and he finds it just too feminine for his masculine sensibilities.
But in the meantime, it serves me well to realize that the independence thrust upon me with singledom is not all bad.
Decisions are precarious things. Some decisions matter, and truthfully, some really don’t. Some decisions have lasting effects, and many, do not. As much as I wish I had someone to back me up, I’m often glad there is no one looking over my shoulder.
So how many single moms does it take to change a lightbulb?
Undoubtedly, one.
But only if she feels like it.
[Just a note: I’m gardening over at Mommies Magazine today, take a peek.]
August 6th, 2006I LOL’d at your last three lines. First, I’m completely jealous you have a Laverne and Shirley relationship. They’re not a dime a dozen in my experience.
Secondly, though married, I can relate to what you wrote, which means you did an excellent job of making your point. There have been no florals in my house for many years. I suppose I could just do it, but then I’d have to listen to complaints until the end of time.
Wouldn’t tag team marriages be nice? You be the wife this week, I’ll be the wife next week. Best of both worlds, right?
August 6th, 2006She sounds like the perfect friend and you once again have written the perfect post. Independence and freedome to make YOUR decisions is a pretty wonderful thing. I know it doesn’t make up for all the other stuff but I am glad you can relish in that. Really relish in it and change that light bulb with all the empowered woman-power you got in ya Kvetch!
August 6th, 2006You do an awesome job at single parenting from what I’ve read. Girl, I get nervous if my husband has to pull a double shift at work…I really don’t know how you do it but I’m glad folks like you (and my mom) do it and do it well.
August 6th, 2006As much as I wish I had someone to back me up, I’m often glad there is no one looking over my shoulder.
Wow. Doesn’t that just sum it all up?
I have a friend like the one you describe…and it is really comforting to have someone who can rally round you, buoy you up, and reassure you when the big decisions hit. I just wish I’d been able to find that kind of friend in one of my two husbands…
So when does she help you through picking out (and paying for) your new lighting fixtures?
August 6th, 2006Although I am enjoying the shared the decision making at our house, I can imagine the sense of freedom and being content with that.
I am spreading warm and fuzzies this weekend and have to tell you that I so look forward to reading your posts. You have strength that every woman should aspire to have (even when it does not feel like it). You have every right to be bitter and evil, yet you are witty, funny and loving. Reading about your soon to be teenager and teenager, makes me think “That is how I hope my kid turns out”, which by any standards is a huge compliment. Your love for your kids makes your writing glow and I am honoured to be connected to you by reading it all!
Hope your weekend was awesome!
August 6th, 2006Yeah. I sometimes think if I was parenting alone, how great it would be not to have to argue or explain stuff…
August 6th, 2006I love love LOVE this post! Kvetch at her best.
Not that it’s any consolation, but there are certainly moments I miss not having to answer to anyone, not needing another opinion. It took us three damn years to buy a couch, something I would have done in a day. Just sayin’…
August 6th, 2006So very true and I personally have experienced this and do frequently. I miss being married so much sometimes..and with that comes lonliness and such. However, there are many times when I do have to remind myself that it is SO NICE not to have to consult anyone before I make adecision. Spending money, redecorating, whatever, it is my decision and there is nobody to tell me no or second guess my decisions. And that my friend can be very nice. So, I totally understand.
August 7th, 2006In some of your prior posts I have envied and admired you for your solo authority but I didnt know how to articulate it, from my married nest, without sounding like a jerk on the other side of the fence where the grass may be appearing greener. And here you went and said it so well.
As a pretty happily married woman, I admit I miss the autonomy of my single life. My husband and I are quite good at the compromise and there are plenty of things where he just defers to me and my taste. But I just get so sick of the discussions like
“I think we need new curtains in the kitchen?”
“New curtains? What is wrong with the ones we have?”
“they are faded and they depress me.”
“Depress you? How can curtains depress you?”
‘ya get the picture?
August 7th, 2006I admire your grace. You are one dignified singleton. And I love the last line.
August 7th, 2006I also am married, which is mostly great. But sometimes I wish I could just do things my way all of the time, I’d be better off.
Well, not better off, but it might be easier sometimes.
August 7th, 2006Very well spoken. I love your philosophy.
August 7th, 2006I left a comment earlier, but it seems to have gotten eaten! I laughed at your lightbulb joke.
I am married, and happy. But I can certainly see the appeal of being single and completely autonomous. There are times that I LOOOOOOONGGGG to be just me for a while.
Too bad there is no such thing as tag team marriages, huh? You could be the wife one week, I could be the wife the next week. Wait…they do have that, don’t they. Except I believe they call it “polygamy” and it is illegal in all states except Utah. Well…maybe those Mormons are onto something.
August 7th, 2006SIGH…I am an idiot. I did comment the first time, but it got submitted as Anonymous. Then I said the same thing. Forgive the repetition. I really wanted to make my point.
August 7th, 2006Anonymous #1 and #2, are you the same Anonymous? If so, the comment didnt’ get eaten, it’s right there! If not, you should definitely meet because you said the same thing!
August 7th, 2006Another great post. There is a little part of me that is jealous of the independence that you describe. I love my husband, of course, but I also remember back to when I had complete control over everything in my life. And it was nice. Now, I have to share control over a lot of decisions with my husband. And we don’t always agree…although I usually strongarm him over to my side
August 7th, 2006When I lived with Mr. Stapler, I felt like he got to make all the decisions. He was just so much more opinionated than me. I would put up with his choices (which I thought of as boring but he thought of as tasteful) and there is no way he would put up with mine (colorful but wacky).
Living in my tiny rented house where every single thing there was my decision and mine alone - well, it makes my heart sing even though it is a nutty mess half the time.
August 7th, 2006Oh, I love this. Good for you. It’s not uncommon around here for decisions to take FAR too long because of the two-opinions factor.
August 7th, 2006(Punching fist in air)
Yes.
I just wrote a lovely ode to my husband, and love my married life, but I’ve been there, remember that, and you captured it perfectly.
August 8th, 2006Yes, sister. I have spent the majority of my life as a single woman. It is only now, when I no longer lament my singlehood, that I realize how fortunate I have been all along. While I do hope to find companionship of the male persuasion at some point, I recognize that life is full of trade-offs … and for every time we think that we are the unlucky ones, we may want to think about how we can plant flowers in our own gardens and change our own bulbs. Way to celebrate your freedom.
August 8th, 2006I have to confess, I envy your freedom to do whatever you want, whenever you want.
There are times (read yesterday morning) when I would give ANYTHING to be single once more. Not childless, but single as in spouse-less. I get tired of having to compromise EVERY COTTON-PICKING THING and just wish, for once, the decision was only up to me.
Not only do I envy your ability to make decisions without having to consult a higher being, per se *cough*, but your friendship. I WISH I could find another woman in the same situation as myself who well, didn’t drive me nuts by talking about shopping, kids, and whether or not what she was wearing made her butt look big.
*sigh* I’m an atypical indivdiual, I suppose - bully for me.
BTW, I’m REALLY enjoying your blog! Keep up the good work!
August 8th, 2006So much truth therein. Since I was single for quite a while before I remarried, I’d gotten used to just doing what I wanted, when I wanted and how I wanted. AD (because he is a problem solver) wants to be involved in every decision and having to negotiate every thing around here makes me nuts. Greg post.
August 8th, 2006Uh… roses? Yes, its a a bitfeminine- and I wouldn’t go for it, but then, you don’t have me around so you don’t have to listen to my opinions-
I on the other hand prefer finished concrete floors, steel furniture and plush leather chairs-
Good thing I’m single too eh?
August 9th, 2006My husband and I have been married 3 years now. 99% of the time we’re quite happy. The 1% when we’re not is when we’re arguing about something that we want to do that the other doesn’t.
Just the other day my husband told me, “You’re not very good at coming up with compromises. I’m always the one that has to suggest something.”
My response, “Why do we always have to compromise? Why can’t someone [like me] just get their way?!” He’s right, he’s much better at finding compromises.
There are indeed days when I long for the independence, that I used to have as a singleton, to make my own decisions without having to justify them to anyone else, to know exactly where my money is being spent, and to get my way all the time!