Nominated by Blog Antagonist at Blogs Are Stupid. Thank you, B.A.!
On the first day of high school my son found his way, and I lost my breath. I hoped the cold rush that permeated my chest, throat and limbs was because I hadn’t yet had coffee; but I knew better.
I also knew the feelings that washed over me were not because the building he strode toward was big enough to house multiple air craft carriers. It wasn’t because the metal doors looked like they could swallow him whole. It wasn’t because he walked among beings that looked strangely like adults — with boobs, beards, swaggers, swiveling hips and caramel mochachinos.
As he walked away from the car, he became increasingly more absorbed in a living Seurat. The composition, as a whole, was magnificent. Separately it was a sea of indiscernible, colorful, teenage dots. I will never forget how it looked as he became part of the big pocket, flip flop and muffin top landscape. In a strange way, it was strikingly beautiful.
I was unsettled not due to the vastness or the newness. I was awed because he fit right into it. He belonged. It’s where he is supposed to be. I have to keep reminding myself that it’s all good. At 14 + years old, 5 foot 8 inches tall, with broad shoulders and a stocky build, he is once again and at long last, right where he is supposed to be. And, after a year and a half of treading lightly in shallow waters – he dived right in. I was the one who held my breath.
I wonder if he hadn’t leaned over and let me kiss him goodbye, if this self-proclaimed hardened heart would have cried the whole way home. Probably.
All I could think of that was in that short 5 minute ride was that in four years I’ll be dropping him off at college and not picking him up at 3pm. And how the hell am I supposed to get ready for THAT? Then it will be just me and my daughter at home and then she’ll go to college and I’d be left alone with dogs and a dishwasher that probably only needs to be run once a week. Now that seems delightful, but something tells me it feels quite dreadful. Someone should really re-think this focus on education.
And then I got a grip. He’s fourteen. And she’s eleven.
The biggest waste of time in my adult life was the time I spent looking to and planning for the future and not living completely in the moment. And while seven thousand of my closest friends have already been kind enough to tell me that the next four years are going to fly by, I need only to look back for a second to be able to look forward with a slow and deliberate gaze.
Four years might feel like it goes quickly, but every day brings a myriad of experiences and emotions. Each one is worthy of consideration, acknowledgement and careful placement in our lives. If you experience life and live it minute by minute you never have to wonder where the time has gone. You’ll know because you were there.
And, while I want always to take it moment by moment, I also am on the edge of my seat waiting for my daughter to start school on Thursday so I can have some time alone to write, to think, to breathe or just to watch tv without someone desperately needing a grilled cheese sandwich. Is that too much to ask after a summer that has lasted, oh, approximately, 83 days?
At first he didn’t say much when he walked into the kitchen after his exhaustive and expansive first day as a freshman. I don’t know what’s in the water over there but I swear he was three inches taller than he was that very morning.
He didn’t bolt to his room. I made him a cup of soup and we both sat down. I put my elbow on the table, rested my head in my hand, hopeful he would talk. He did.
And while he was preoccupied eating and recounting, I stared at his soft green eyes and watched his large expressive gestures. I listened intently to each word, knowing these initimate 14 year old moments are to be coveted and treasured — even, and perhaps especially — on our first day of high school, after 83 days of summer.
August 23rd, 2006My son will be starting his third year of high school in early September. He turns 14 on Thursday. He loves high school as much as he hated middle school. He’s just about the same size as your son, only not stocky. He’s too small for any team sports, which sucks, but he’s philosphical about it. When he graduates, he’ll work for a year to earn money for college and to catch up agewise. Maybe even two years. We don’t yet know, but he swears he wants to go to college in Boston and live at home, and that’s just fine with me. For a while, anyhow.
His twin sister starts high school soon. For girls, high school is a different experience and I’m very nervous about the whole experience. I’ve made it abundantly clear she is NOT allowed to date until she’s 16, but she can do group activities. I’m petrified.
It’s such a weird stage, having your kids enter high school. It’s the beginning of the end and it can be very frightening, especially since parents are not very involved in the day to day running of the school. But the kids, they’re ready and they rise above most of the crap. It’s so much better than middle school!
August 23rd, 2006Um. Perfection. I don’t even quite know what to say. That was just beautiful and aching and it should be required reading for anyone with a child. Wow.
August 23rd, 2006Wow. First day of high school. I’m trying to hold onto every moment that I can. And reprimanding my damn memory for not keeping them safely in there. Because soon she’ll be starting high school and I won’t know what happened.
August 23rd, 2006What a wonderful entry. I’m trying my best to enjoy every moment and be in the here and now because soon they will be off on their own.
August 23rd, 2006I hear you about the high school thing. I’m trying to hang onto every moment with the boys. It’s going by so quickly.
August 23rd, 2006Our children are the same age (oldest 13, youngest 11) so I REALLY related to this post. GD will start high school next year and I’m sure I’ll be feeling exactly what you felt, right down to observing those teenage dots (GREAT description, btw).
I hope my son is willing to talk to me like yours did - it sounds like you have a great relationship with him. What a good mom you are.
August 23rd, 2006What a lovely post! A great reminder to live in the moment.
August 23rd, 2006I have to pack my 7-year-old up and send her to second grade next week, My 4-year is starting preschool. I started grad school Monday. And while I usually don’t get emotional, I have been this week. It hit me that soon they will all be out of the house and in school. And so it’s made me rethink my priorities. I have wanted to go to grad school for 10 years and now that dream is coming true, but at what cost? Is the cost worth it? Now I don’t get to see my kiddies from 11:30 a.m. until 6:30 p.m. on Mondays and Wednesdays. They will be at school and at Nana’s. Am I selfish or just emotional because this is my 4-year-old’s last year at home?
August 23rd, 2006Wow. This is my first time visiting your blog, and this story got caught in my throat. I have a 4 y.o and 2y.o and another on the way. I sometimes wonder if I’m having another just to postpone the inevitable time when my children won’t run into my arms every time they greet me.. and when they leave the house! Though I also beg silently (well, not always so silently) for freedom, when I remember how quickly the last two years have flown by, it makes me cringe. Thanks for sharing your story. It was beautiful- and I’m happy to hear your boy opened up about his first day at school.
August 23rd, 2006This is beautiful. You are an amazing mother.
August 23rd, 2006Time is such a funny thing, like liquid smoke. I’ve often wanted to hold time still, hanging onto now so my son doesn’t grow so fast. But that means he’s stuck at 2, and we won’t get the lost teeth and jack-o-lantern smiles, the pride over staying in the lines while coloring, the joy over meeting friends at school…
I also have to remind myself to stop thinking about how much easier things will be when he’s finally potty trained and has more command over his motor skills because I’m sort of wishing time to speed up.
Time is just fine without my meddling. I just need to find ways to preserve the important, just like you did here. Very lovely post.
August 23rd, 2006What a milestone, and what a lovely post.
I haven’t even sent mine to preschool yet, so I can only imagine the conflicting feelings.
August 23rd, 2006Wow, reading your posts is like looking into a future window for me. I cannot even imagine driving Becca to kindergarten, yet you evoke all those emotions for me!
August 23rd, 2006What an incredible post. You talk so easily about a major rite of passage — your writing gives it such a timeless feel, in a way that all of us (even parents of preschools and toddlers) can relate to. Thank you for sharing the details of such a significant day, and for the reminder of why it’s important to live in the moment… because those moments are so fleeting.
August 23rd, 2006I must clarify I am the parent of a preschooler, not a preschool. In case you were confused.
August 23rd, 2006Ugh, does it really happen that fast? One day they’re little ones and the next they’re off to high school? Thanks for the kick in the pants. I needed a reminder to live in the moment.
August 23rd, 2006What a gift to have a teenage son that TALKS! And what a smart mom to give him the room to do it.
August 23rd, 2006Well this made me tear up. My son is turning ten next week and this is his last year in elementary school. And then, my daughter went and started kindergarten this week. How dare she?
Anyway, I remember how he was at that time in his life and I look at him now and remember to relish the kindergarten moments more this time around.
It is easy to get ahead of yourself (I said last week, “he can’t go to middle school next year! There will be eighth graders at that school!”
(
But I too am trying to live more in the moment - because I’ve realized that all I have is today.
August 23rd, 2006WOW, you described that just beautifully and really captured the emotions I’ve been feeling with my son going to Middle School. Its so heartbreaking and breathtaking at the same time, which you conveyed with such poignance. And I loved this line:
“I will never forget how it looked as he became part of the big pocket, flip flop and muffin top landscape.”
That’s sheer poetry.
August 23rd, 2006This is my last year with Maya in the little charter school she’s been at since 1st grade…then no more Montessori, and off into middle school. And because it’s a charter school, she will be going to middle school with a lot of kids who she doesn’t know…sigh.
I loved this post. It captured so much at once. Why we need to enjoy the present, always, and not be in such a rush. Not to try to stop time, either, because that doesn’t work. Beautiful.
August 23rd, 2006Excellent post you’ve written! Snuggle Bug hasn’t even started Kindergarten yet (he’s only 20 months old) but I think of these things now. I’m torn between being excited to interact with him when he’s an independent, intelligent young man and dreading the loss of his innocent sweet dependence on me as the center of his universe.
Time marches on, all too quickly.
August 24th, 2006Coveted and treasured indeed.
You know I agree wtih you whole-heartedly about trying to live in the moment. I need to remind myself constantly.
Kvetch, this was a wonderful, well-written, post!!
August 24th, 2006Beautifully written - as usual. My son starts Kindergarten soon and my daughter will be in a tot program…I am years behind you in the school experience, but my thoughts are often the same. They should really teach real life skills in school like how we all should “live our moments”. Heck, I’d take a class in it now if I could.
August 25th, 2006I love this, Kvetch. The ache. The reminders. Beautiful.
August 25th, 2006The next four years are going to fly by (7001), but you’re doing a great job of realizing that not only was this his first day of High School, but this was to be his “only” first day of High School.
You’re a super Mom!
August 25th, 2006[…] The Freshman […]
September 1st, 2006[…] Petroville awarded Carbon Press Suburban Turmoil awarded State of Grace My Life awarded Steel Cowboy LadyBug Crossing awarded Straddling the Line Barbara awarded Rocks & Garbage Mysterious Lady awarded Dryden Is Home MotherPie awarded Six Kids Jenny from Mama Drama awarded I Obsess Organized Chaos awarded The Elemental Mom Blog Antagonist awarded Kvetch Blog Never That Easy awarded Miss Zoot Mamaritaville awarded Queen of Spain Aka Monty awarded I Hate Kit Kats Toddled Dredge awarded Bub and Pie I Obsess awarded Wordgirl Antique Mommy awarded Blog Antagonist The Pink Diary awarded Everything Under The Moon Courting Destiny awarded Bone Panthergirl awarded MetroDad Mommy Off The Record awarded I Obsess Wordgirl awarded Linkateria Something Baby Blue awarded Chicky Chicky Baby Sunshine Scribe awarded Girl’s Gone Child The Wallpaper of My Mind awarded Mom on a Wire Black Belt Mama awarded SecondHand Tryptophan Thinking About awarded Wordgirl Queen Bee Confessions awarded No Diet Coke for Mommy Fireflies & Frogs awarded Joy Unexpected Miss Cellania awarded Konagod Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4 Pass the Torch awarded If Mama Ain’t Happy Six Kids awarded What It Is Peanut’s Mom awarded Queen of Spain Mama Tulip awarded Halloweenlover Her Grace awarded The Open Window The Fat Lady Sings awarded Wordgirl Bub and Pie awarded Penelope and Bumblebee Masked Mom awarded Suburban Bliss Mother-woman awarded NonLinear Girl Two Okapis awarded Child’s Play x 2 Lady M awarded Miss Zoot The Mummy Chronicles awarded Diane’s Rantings Mary Tsao awarded Surrender, Dorothy The Lovely Mrs. Davis awarded Wordgirl My Float awarded The Ladies Lounge Practigal awarded Interrupted Wanderlust Old Horsetail Snake awarded Boobs, Injuries and Dr. Pepper Life, the Universe and Everything awarded Whatever, Mom Shelli’s Sentiments awarded The Other Side of Dubs Crazy MomCat awarded Karlababble Queenie Carly awarded Gingers Mom ♥ Please let me know if you’d like to be on the Presenters List for September ♥ […]
September 1st, 2006[…] The Freshman […]
September 1st, 2006Yes! So very excellent. Indeed a perfect post and I don’t know how I missed this the first time around.
September 1st, 2006Congrats, Kvetch!
September 1st, 2006oh lovely lovely lovely! Yes, a perfect post indeed. You captured so much of my own heart.
September 1st, 2006Oooh! You are a good writer (and this was a beautiful one.) Can’t wait to come back.
September 26th, 2006[…] The second award goes to the Kvetch at Kvetch Blog, who described her son’s first day of High School in such a poingnant way, it made me feel happy for her, and sad for her, and for all of us whose children are growing up just a little bit faster than we’re prepared to admit. […]